I miss Guile so damn much.

We all do.

-- atomx

I blogged for a couple of years before I found my groove. I'd post links and stuff that was interesting or important-seeming to me, and sometimes pictures of Shiva. And then came Guile, and a better camera, and the dog pictures began to take center stage, along with whatever words they inspired in me. I liked the direction the blog was going, so I eventually ditched everything but the dog posts and focused more on making those posts good. I had a big fenced yard surrounded by fields and trees. I had two beautiful, playful, cooperative dog friends who were alternately gorgeous and goofy. I had so much love in my heart for them that every shoot would yield at least one picture that would coax some magic out of me when I sat down to add words. I began to write something like poetry again, after a hiatus of years.

We lost Guile, and there was nothing else to write about. Every picture made me cry. They still do. A part of me hopes that they always do, though right now I am tired of crying.

Now we're in a different place, a beautiful place with a breathtaking view, and I'm having a hard time finding my groove again. I take Shiva down to the beach, and I hate the long line in every picture. I hate that I can't let him run and play and do his doggy thing while I stand back and wonder at his joy and spontaneity (and take pictures.) I hate that Guile isn't there, dammit. Beaches were made for big black dogs! Why did he have to miss this, and everything else that comes after?

I'm afraid that I've lost my groove and won't get it back. Which isn't such a big deal, really. It's just a blog. I just...I don't know. I walk on the beach with Shiva and my camera, and I wait, sort of. Wait for the magic that comes less frequently now.

Is this a part of grieving?

“There are places in the heart that do not yet exist; suffering has to enter in for them to come to be.”
~Léon Bloy

(Originally posted elsewhere, reposted here for continuity and catharsis. I hope to return to our regularly unscheduled mischief and love vibes soon!)

I love you all.

~S

sometimes in life
you find things that are perfect for you
exactly the way they are

other times you have to do a little work
to make them perfect

If I can't find a way to get to you
wherever you go
it's not because I didn't try.

We'll put all of our sadness in this dumb suitcase,
and put it on that stupid plane.

And you stay here.

I am a genius.

Grief has a life of its own, and it touches everything without mercy or reason. The bed becomes too big, the room too quiet, the everyday actions too filled with longing, the words too full of meaning, the hours and days too long, the memories too painful and too precious.

Two things happened the other day, one expected and the other a complete surprise, both of which brought tears and steps toward healing. (more...)

This blog is inspired by the dogs with whom I share my life, my home, and my heart. I endeavor to capture and communicate in words and pictures some of what I learn from living with them. Shiva and Guile have captivated me and they have been my earthly muses on this journey, and this blog has been a tribute to their hearts and souls, and to all the humans who love and live with dogs and treat them with respect and dignity. Dogs are dogs, humans are humans, and we are all animals. When we reach hand and paw across that divide, we know that it is not so great a gap that hearts cannot be touched and lives changed despite a difference of species.

Some of you already know the story I am about to tell. Some of you, with your hearts aching and tears on your faces, reached for your own nonhuman companions and held onto them tightly when you heard. I love you for that. I love you for treating all animals with respect, and for sharing your homes with the lost and the refugees. I love you for caring, and for living your lives as if you give a damn. I am honored to count you among my friends, and I am touched by your love and kindness. (more...)

If you have to go away sometime
I will wait for you
I will wait until hell freezes over if I have to

Then we'll really have some fun.

i was thinking
you and me
we could be
you know
up there
free and fast
like dreams or clouds
or brilliant ideas
flying

is that so crazy?