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Immolation Central

Moving On

My new home is here.

Everything changes. One day I'll move all of this over.

Guest Post: I miss him...

I miss Guile so damn much.

We all do.

-- atomx

Hello, World!


Meet Amazing Grace O'Malley.

Formerly a pound puppy, she is now Shiva's little sister and the blog's new puppeh in residence.


I blogged for a couple of years before I found my groove. I'd post links and stuff that was interesting or important-seeming to me, and sometimes pictures of Shiva. And then came Guile, and a better camera, and the dog pictures began to take center stage, along with whatever words they inspired in me. I liked the direction the blog was going, so I eventually ditched everything but the dog posts and focused more on making those posts good. I had a big fenced yard surrounded by fields and trees. I had two beautiful, playful, cooperative dog friends who were alternately gorgeous and goofy. I had so much love in my heart for them that every shoot would yield at least one picture that would coax some magic out of me when I sat down to add words. I began to write something like poetry again, after a hiatus of years.

We lost Guile, and there was nothing else to write about. Every picture made me cry. They still do. A part of me hopes that they always do, though right now I am tired of crying.

Now we're in a different place, a beautiful place with a breathtaking view, and I'm having a hard time finding my groove again. I take Shiva down to the beach, and I hate the long line in every picture. I hate that I can't let him run and play and do his doggy thing while I stand back and wonder at his joy and spontaneity (and take pictures.) I hate that Guile isn't there, dammit. Beaches were made for big black dogs! Why did he have to miss this, and everything else that comes after?

I'm afraid that I've lost my groove and won't get it back. Which isn't such a big deal, really. It's just a blog. I just...I don't know. I walk on the beach with Shiva and my camera, and I wait, sort of. Wait for the magic that comes less frequently now.

Is this a part of grieving?

shiva beach landscape

“There are places in the heart that do not yet exist; suffering has to enter in for them to come to be.”
~Léon Bloy

(Originally posted elsewhere, reposted here for continuity and catharsis. I hope to return to our regularly unscheduled mischief and love vibes soon!)

I love you all.


Waiting On a Friend

shiva waiting on a friend

Just Bite It.

sometimes in life
you find things that are perfect for you
exactly the way they are

shiva football

other times you have to do a little work
to make them perfect

I Miss You.

If I can't find a way to get to you
wherever you go
it's not because I didn't try.

shiva log ride

I Have an Idea

We'll put all of our sadness in this dumb suitcase,
and put it on that stupid plane.

And you stay here.

shiva suitcase nap

I am a genius.

On the Waterfront

We're packing up to leave the dharma farm. Guile's death, and the impossibility of knowing the what, how, and why of it, has taken the last lingering and dusty remnants of charm from the place. The big old chicken barn semi-converted into a fairly liveable home for humans that once was quirky and fun is now just unfit and sad. The poison that took our sweet and guileless Guile from us was probably meant to protect chickens whose lives had no value to their keepers beyond the eggs they produced. This is a place of sadness, suffering, and death, which we had hoped to redeem, but we are simply exhausted by grief and our only wish for this place now is to leave it. (more...)

Thank You

Grief has a life of its own, and it touches everything without mercy or reason. The bed becomes too big, the room too quiet, the everyday actions too filled with longing, the words too full of meaning, the hours and days too long, the memories too painful and too precious.

Two things happened the other day, one expected and the other a complete surprise, both of which brought tears and steps toward healing. (more...)

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